Jane the Virgin: 2x04 "Chapter Twenty-Six" Recap

My only word for this episode is, why? Why? Why? Why?

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Before I dive into the recap, let me explain my experience. So, I didn't get to watch the show last night because I was busy, so I watched it as soon as I woke up, like six in the morning. But not before I checked Twitter and saw a tweet with the words, "Poor Rafael."

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Oh, indeed. Poor Rafael. But after watching this episode I see he kind of had it coming, so now let me dive in. We start with a flashback of Jane and Lina performing in the school talent show together, when they both tear their dresses off (there's dance clothes under them) and dance to the song "Hot in Herre", to the dismay of Abuela and all the Catholic nuns present.

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We go back to the present where Lina is walking with Jane in her baby class. Lina tries to talk to her, but the baby cries. Lina isn't worried because she knows Jane is throwing her a surprise birthday party, which Jane had forgotten she'd promise to plan. Jane thinks of The Great Gatsby as the theme for the party because she has to write a paper on it. She tells all this to Xo before Rafael shows up.

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We cut to Michael talking to his cop boss, then being introduced to his new partner Susanna, who is rather annoying. But then we go back to Luisa, and when it's confirmed Rose has the image of Luisa getting hit, they muffle Luisa's screams with chloroform.

Back to Jane and Rafael. Rafael has shown up and tries to kiss her again, but Jane still isn't ready, and Rafael is all...

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Rafael then moves on to the topic about why he's really there, and that's custody. Of course, this comes as a big blow to Jane, and I'm assuming it will drive a wedge between them. Okay, whatever, I'm fine. My ship is just crumbling like dust between my fingers.

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Just to prove my point, Michael keeps calling, asking that Jane and Rafael come to the hotel. We go back to Michael, who runs into a nauseous Petra. She shows him the picture of Jane and Rafael kissing. He's upset, but we don't have time for that because Jane and Rafael have shown up. Michael tells them about Heidi, who is apparently a yodeler who slept with Rose. He asks Rafael to schedule Heidi to yodel so that he can question her. Rafael agrees. We then cut to Jane with Abuela and Xo. Xiomara says, "I don't care about yodeling, I care about custody," and I'm like:

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She asks if they're going to use lawyers, but decide not to. Rogelio then shows up and tells everyone about Luciana blackmailing him with videos which apparently document his journeys through the Scientology religion. I thought he was going to keep it hidden, but I'm glad he was open about it.

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We cut to Heidi arriving in Miami. She talks to Michael with her translators because she does not speak English. She is upset when they bring up the subject of Denise but then agrees to talk if she knows she will be able to perform. Rafael assures her of this, going so far as to promise the construction of a fake snowy mountain.

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We cut to Jane, who must write her paper on The Great Gatsby, but she procrastinates and instead writes an instruction sheet about how to care for Mateo, which she gives to Rafael. Then we go back to Heidi, who is being questioned by Michael and Susanna. They discuss what happened with Denise. While they do, Luisa is just awakening on a park bench back in Miami. Or maybe she never really left Miami. Whatever.

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When Jane goes to the hotel to check up on her space for Lina's party, the huge snowy mountain is rolled in, obstructing the space, and Jane is told to go to Petra. But, Petra doesn't want to see her because she is indisposed (probably throwing up). And then Jane sees the instruction list she gave to Rafael crumpled on the ground. Cue Jane:

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She calls him on her way upstairs, with the list in hand. He says that he has it; this, of course, enrages her more. But upon finding him leaving his penthouse, she panics and hides in a closet, and of course, locks herself in.

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We go back to Rogelio and Luciana fighting about which of their sides are better. Luciana reminds him of the tapes and then "asks" Rogelio for another trailer to hold her various bunnies. (Why does this lady have a trailer full of bunnies?)

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But then we're with Jane again, who is still locked in the closet and gets a call from Michael. He says he knows about the kiss, and Jane tells him she's locked in a closet. He comes to unlock her at the same time Rafael comes back up the elevator. This leads to one big confrontation about the baby instructions, and then Michael says he thinks it was probably Petra. He tells Rafael he should really tell Petra if her chances with him are over but looks at Jane as he says it.

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And then Luisa appears! She says she's been kidnapped, but Rafael does not believe her. When she says the German men wanted to "mooter" her, Michael remembers his interrogation of Heidi and mistaking the word "mooter" for "mother". He then says he needs to talk to Luisa. Jane and Rafael then talk back in his penthouse, and Jane tearfully confesses she's been consumed by baby world, and that's why she hasn't been able to choose. Rafael apologizes, but then Jane says they should get a custody lawyer, so they can take emotion out of it.

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We go back to Rogelio and Luciana, Rogelio taking the high road and conceding to Luciana, until Xo texts him that she has kidnapped Luciana's bunnies. (This was pretty weird, but funny nonetheless.) Back to Jane, she's talking with her work friend (I forgot his name, he's not that important) about how no one can come to Lina's party, when Lina hears. Jane then confesses to putting the party together last minute, and Lina leaves, really hurt.

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Later in the evening Jane decides to go to the club for Lina's birthday, and instead of leaving Mateo with Xo, she calls Rafael. Nice, but not where I want my ship to be.

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But then we go to Michael questioning Luisa. He suspects they kidnapped her to send a message to Rose. Susanna asks seemingly pointless questions about the kind of rope she was tied up in. Michael gets frustrated, but then Susanna points out her knowledge of a drug lord from the eighties known as "mooter" who tied his victims in silk blue rope, the same as Luisa was tied in. Apparently she has photographic memory and memorized all the crime cases in Miami history.

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Meanwhile, Petra is nauseous in her office when Rafael shows up. Rafael confronts her about trying to drive Jane away, and says Petra should really focus on having her baby. Petra reveals she thinks she made a huge mistake because she thought they were going to be together. Rafael consoles her by saying she deserves love with someone else, and this baby could give her a chance for change.

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We cut to Jane getting into her dress for the evening, when Michael shows up (always here, aren't you, Michael?). He helps zip her up, then confesses he originally let Nadine go. When they discover the baby monitor is on, they freak out, but thankfully the one in the other room is off, where Rafael is. Michael then leaves and Rafael tries to talk to Jane, but Jane has to leave as well.

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She goes to the club with her portable breast pump. She apologizes to Lina, and they have a beautiful make up scene where they drunkenly dance to "Hot in Herre," and Jane pees a little.

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Jane has to go to the bathroom to breast pump, and after another wonderful "I love you" with Jane and Lina, Lina goes to dance. Jane has to finish breast pumping though, and while she's there decides to write her Great Gatsby paper on her phone. It's utter crap, but Jane feels much better afterwards.

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We cut to Rogelio and Xiomara who have agreed to return the bunnies back if Luciana returns the discs. On her way out, Luciana tells Xo there's something juicy on disc 142 part C. Xo tells Ro he doesn't have to share, but she still wants to know.

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Jane then goes to the hotel to pick up Mateo but she missed a text from Rafael saying he would drop him off at her house. On her way back out, she runs into Michael, who is there for Heidi stuff. And then...they kiss. And it's not the unexpected Rafael crap from the other episode. It was full out theme song kissing. You know, the kind of kiss Rafael and Jane had last season with "The Sea of Lovers" by Christina Perri playing in the background. Oh, the horror! Or the beauty. Depends on your team. Okay, so the Team Rafael that reins my soul was dying. But...guys. My feels. The song was "Surrender" by Natalie Taylor, and ugh...I just remembered last season before I knew Rafael and how I really liked Michael. Remember that time Jane was in her wedding dress and Michael was like "I'm all in"? And that other time Michael was like "Angelique Harper is in town" and they freaked out together? And that other time...you know, long story short, I'm confused. 40% Michael? That's too much. I don't know. Ugh. Rafael. But Michael. FEELS.

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But anyway, back to the story. Jane goes home to find Rafael sleeping on the couch. We cut to Susanna and Michael. Susanna asks Michael about Nadine, but he doesn't want to talk about it. Then we go to Susanna talking to the cop boss, confiding in him that she thinks Michael is hiding something. We then cut to Heidi at her show, which she is missing because she's sleeping with Luisa. She rushes out, then Luisa pulls up Heidi's laptop and finds a message from Rose. Dun. Dun. Dun. JK, I don't really care.

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Meanwhile, Petra is dealing with her crap. Milos is back! He wants to marry her for tax reasons, and creepily gets down on one knee to propose. For a second there, I thought we were going to come full circle with the insemination deal, and Petra was going to say, "Milos, I'm pregnant."  But she didn't. I guess that will come between them.

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Back to Jane, she is in her room and confides in Xo about the kiss. And. She. Decides. She literally says, "It's Michael." Fine then. Whatever, Jane. 

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But then! Yes, there's always a but then. The baby monitor is on. Jane rushes outside to find Rafael asleep, so she's still safe. Then he opens his eyes.

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So. Poor Rafael, indeed. The creators of the show have said Jane will choose between Rafael and Michael within the first five episodes of the season. This was episode four. We have one more episode before my ship explodes. Do you think we can save it?  I guess we'll have to find out next week. Come back next Wednesday for another recap!